I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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