I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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