so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
