my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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