I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
only if we run a train.
done.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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