At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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