The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
