He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
