Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
