guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
