Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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