Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
