I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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