well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
