so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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