my shit smells like andre
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
