and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
