She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
