I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
