I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
