When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
