thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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