I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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