true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
