I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
