im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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