i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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