I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
