I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
