swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
