That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
