so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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