Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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