your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
