He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
