He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
