I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
