I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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