Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
