do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
