whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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