how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
