just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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