my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
