the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
