....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
home. puking in laundry basket.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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