just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
