I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
