I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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