I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
